I've recently learned that a good friend of mine thinks I'm mad at her.
Ok, maybe she's not such a good friend anymore. Both of our lives pretty much fell apart at around the same time, and we sort of drifted apart. I've recently tried to restart our friendship, but it really seems like she's not interested. She'll talk to me, sure, and occasionally say some nice things. But then it's followed by insults that I really don't need right now while I'm feeling completely mentally frail.

Well, it turns out I am mad at her. I don't know if she expected this information to get to me, but it seems like a stupid game. Now that I know she thinks I'm mad, am I supposed to contact her to tell her I'm not? Is it so difficult to ask me?
I've forgiven her for countless things in the past, could whatever she thinks be any worse than any of that?
I may get angry with people a lot, perhaps more than my fair share... but I usually forgive quickly.
I can count on one hand the number of people I've not forgiven.

One is an old friend, Milan. He was the kind of person that consistantly would say, "yep, I'll definitely be there" and then never show up. One day, about 8 of us were going to go see a movie. We opted not to go until he got off work. Everyone was meeting at my place. And we're waiting and waiting and waiting, 15 minutes before the movie started (about 1/2 hour after Milan should have been there) I called.
"Oh, I just got a new computer and I want to put it together." Hey, thanks for letting us know so we could go to an earlier show.
So, I slammed the phone down and haven't talked to him since (mind you, he did this stuff ALL the time).
Two years later, I got a birthday card from him. I saw this as him apologizing. It went in the trash immediately.
It's funny though, he could have just called, said, "hey, what's up?" and it would have immediately been like old times.
I was Milan's only link to a particularly large group of friends, none of them have spoken with him since. Oh well, his loss.

The other people I haven't forgiven requires a full and conscious effort on my part. I have forgiven them, but I really don't want to. I forgive them because they really did the right thing... I won't let myself forgive them because it was done, in my opinion, VERY badly. Maybe I'll let myself forgive them someday, but I'm sure it's a long way off.

As for this woman that thinks I'm mad at her.... that's between her and I. I held off writing this because I didn't want it to be another turn in some game I'm tired of playing. But I have strong doubts she ever reads this anymore. Maybe some of her friends do, so I'll ask nicely not to mention this post. If she's going to ask me, I'd rather she did it on her own, than because she thought she had to.

So, I had some friends come to visit me and Chicago all the way from Nova Scotia...

I figured if I leave at 1:20, I can be at the airport by 2:00... the flight arrives at 2:45, so I'd have plenty of opportunity to make up for traffic and what-not.
At 12:50, the phone rings. There's not a lot of flights from Halifax to Chicago, so a few layover stops were necesarry, including one in Ottowa.... which, after their plane landed, was evacuated.
So, instead of getting in at 2:45, they’ll be considerably later.
They’re flying from Ottowa to Toronto, then to Chicago... they’re to arrive at 3PM Toronto time, then figure out how they’re getting to Chicago.
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After their plane landed in Toronto, I checked the Web site for their airlines, the next plan to Chicago was delayed 40 minutes, I'd hoped to allow passengers from Ottawa to get on the that plane. No call from them, so maybe they didn't have time to call. I decided to go to the airport, hoping they'd be on the 5:19 flight.
No such luck....
Just as the last passanger from that flight picked up their luggage, I got the call. The next flight out should land in Chicago ay 7:00, good thing I brought a book.
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7:00 comes, I wait by the baggage claim... not a single passenger shows.
I go upstairs. Let me point out that this seems to be the only airlines at O'Hare Airport that does not have any kind of computer. The monitors by the baggage claim area are just holes in the wall, and the arrival/departure board is written in chalk. I didn't see a computer behind the counter either.
So I as a woman behind the counter the status of the 7:00 flight, flight 821. She says flight 821 is on time and will arrive at 8:30.
Now, I'm looking at the chalkboard that says flight 821 arrives at 19:00, so my math might have been off with the 19, but I certainly didn't confuse the ":30."
"Oh," she says, "that's side shows the morning flights."
I didn't realize until after I’d walked away that 19:00 is, in no way, a morning flight. Good thing, the argument probably wouldn’t have gotten them here any faster.
So back downstairs to read my book and watch all the people.
About an hour passes, I’m really into the book, Nobody’s Son by Sean Stewart, I highly recommend it. I brought it because I’ve read it before and I "wouldn’t get too involved with it." I was wrong.
Anyway, about an hour passed, and in the back of my mind I hear, "is this who we’re looking for?" And I don’t pay much attention to it, just some passersby... then I notice 2 pairs of legs standing in front of me.
I look up, look at my watch, look up again, and then say the only thing that crossed my mind, "you’re early."
Somehow the plane was almost half an hour early.

We managed to just sneak in to a restaurant I knew they’d like before it closed. I think can do without vegetarian food ever again. And then it was home for some sleep. I needed it from the stress of wondering if they would even make it in on the planned day, and I’m sure they needed it from stress of having to go through all that.
It’s about 7:30 now, and I hear some skittering around upstairs.
It’s either them, or a very large spider.
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Full Day #1:
It's hard to see Chicago in a day. They (well, she) wanted to see Harpo Studios (where they film Oprah... see, Harpo is Oprah spelled backwards), and I tried to get us inside since they wouldn't give us a tour, but they kept throwing us out. Then we walked to the Sears Tower, but their camera ran out of battery powre so we didn't go up. The just means they need to come back.
Then it was to the Apple Store... being from Nova Scotia they aren't allowed such luxeries. I showed them the water tower (sorry, THE water tower) and got some chicago pizza for lunch.
Navy Pier was all right... made them go on the ferris wheel since we didn't do the Sears Tower, and we took a little cruise/tour of the lake front.
We ended up at the Blue Man Group theater right on schedule, but after the pizza no one wanted to eat as planned, so we wandered around Halsted St, and ended up taking some pictures of the gay storefronts. We all loved the show... it was fabulous. If you haven't seen it, go... go now!
We all tried to get into the place we were going to eat earlier, but it closed at 9:45... who closes at 9:45??
We found another place to go, which closed as we were walking up to it, thankfully I didn't pay for parking, for once.
We tried a few other places to eat... but we ended up at a Denny's. blech. This wasn't so bad, since they'd never eaten at one before... everyone must eat at Denny's once. Interesting note: NOTHING on the Denny's menu comes without meat. So my vegetarian friends ended up eating fries and onion rings.
I'll make it up to them at breakfast today... we're going to the best breakfast place in the continental US.
We didn't get home till almost 1AM, I woke up at 6:00 and can't sleep sleep now.
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Full Day #2:
We got a later start than I wanted to. Our plans went a little bit off. We went to breakfast at the 2nd best place I'd ever been (the first best is far off in another state). Right across the street from it is the local game store, the biggest/best in the state and one of the biggest/best in the country. From there it was off to the Chicago Botanical Gardens... yeah, not my first choice when I'm on vacation for 5 days, but they loved it... until the rain came.
Then it was for Homer's Ice Cream... apparently they've been voted best in the country three years in a row. At least now I know why I like them.
And then there was Medieval Times. They loved it, I didn't think they show was quite as good as it was 10+ years ago when I'd gone. But hey, as long as they were happy, that's all that matters, right? Our knight even one... until the bad guy came out and killed him like a dog.
Then it was just relaxing at him for an hour before getting some sleep for the next big day.
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Full Day #3:
The renaissance faire. I love these things... and they did too. We only managed to see 1/2 of a show. We walked around the place once, so they could take everything in, and then... well, we never made it very far again, too much shopping and eating to do.
They'd decided that on the following day, we should ignore the things I had planned, and go back to the faire. I'm game with that since I'll be able to show off my new renny clothes, and maybe convince them to buy some as well.
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Full Day #4:
The ren faire again. Even more fun than the first day, which is hard to believe. Only saw two shows, which gives me more of a reason to go back. Did a lot of shopping, eating, and talking with shopkeepers and a few rennies. I ended up spending FAR more money than I wanted to... had to dip into the new house funds, but it was worth it.
They even ended up buying some ren faire outfits, some jewelry, and some things to put on their heads. I just realized that there's no pictures of the three of us together, and I guess that's not such a bad thing, because I can't remember how to get pictures on this blog (and with my own server not working, I can't even link a picture to that).
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Day #5:
Had to get them to the airport by 9:15... 9:30 was close enough. The only nice thing about them leaving is that I get to sleep in my own bed again. I am SO looking forward to tonight.

The plan is that next year, I go up there and see what Nova Scotia has to offer.......

You know how there's some women out there who are with a guy who beats the crap out of them, and they still stay with him? You know how everyone thinks that those women aren't that bright because they should just get out of that relationship?
I think I understand what they're going through. No, nobody's beat the crap out of me... not physically anyway.
I find it absolutely amazing that someone's only attitude towards me is to hurt me. And it works so well.
Yet, I go back for more. She is someone I can't even imagine being without, even though I have been time and time again, and it's like being in eternal Hell.
I wonder if she makes me feel like nothing because it makes her feel like something, or if she's just that way to everyone.... either way, it's got to stop.

I know now that we can't even be mere aquaintences anymore. Why would I even want to with someone who has no comprehension of others feelings, or desire to tell the truth?

So it ends. I will use all my will. I will burn my soul through the damnation she wants of me. She'll be happy, and I'll be.... something, I don't know what. It will surely be one of the most difficult things I will need to get through. Maybe I'll come out stronger, maybe I won't... who knows.


So then, why do I have this going through my head:

And life is grand
And I will say this at the risk of falling from favor
With those of you
Who have appointed yourselves to expect us to say something darker

And love is real
And though I realize this is not a deep observation
To those of you
Who find it necessary to conceal love or obscure it as is the fashion.
-Camper Van Beethoven, Life is Grand


It could be because, maybe, I've found someone to occupy my time with. We've had an interesting, and restricted, relationship for a few months. It's hard to describe, so I won't. But we get along pretty good, make each other laugh when it's needed, and stuff like that.
The interesting thing is, and I knew this was coming, when I realized that there might be something more going on than I thought, she said, "well, I'm off to Florida."
How fair is that?
At least it's just a vacation with her family. But when she comes back, I'll be on a little vacation of my own.
It's horrible, not knowing what she meant by some of the things... and did I mean what I replied with?
It'll be almost 2 more weeks before I know for sure.
argh