Oy, what a week....
Actually went to the doctor after work, I felt that bad today. I really think doctors are mostly pointless. I never seem to go to one that can just say, "here's what's wrong..." Nope, he told me just what Weezoh did, "could be sun poisoning."
Stay out of the sun, blah blah, drink fluids, blah blah, take Tylenol, blah blah, come back if it gets worse. So, pretty much my normal routine, thanks doc.
What a I supposed to drink other than fluids???

To make things worse I come home and am attacked by a horde of wasps. There's a nest right by the front door. At least I only got stung once right below my left ear.
So, even though I wanted to just go to sleep, I went out and bought some wasp killer, and smited them good. I figured I'd better not let them attack my mother when she gets home.

My sister spent the night in the hospital. She lost all ability to use her muscles. The doctor "thinks" it's a reaction to her medication, which she's been taking for over a year. This does not reaffirm my faith in doctors. My brother-in-law had to drive 6 hours to the hospital, since he was here on business.
She's home now, and plans on going to work tomorrow. I wish her the best.

Wow... should getting sunburned make you feel sick? I haven't been sunburned in, probably, 10 years.
I got burned pretty badly on Sunday, and I've been feeling worse by the hour ever since. It kind of feels like a flu.
Maybe I actually have the flu or something, and mixing that with sunburn is really no fun at all.

As I said in my last entry (was it actually my last? I forget) I was going swimming this weekend.
This is something I hadn't done in.... at least 23 years, maybe.

I was quite relieved, however, when it was cold and rainy up in Michigan. Wednesday, through Saturday I avoided it.
But then, about 4:00 on Saturday the sun came out and the rain stopped and I said, "oh, we're going to a nice dinner in 3 hours, I can't smell like chlorine!"
And then I thought of someone very important to me, and I said, "dammit, I'm going!"
Both my nephews and my niece were in there all ready, so I took my wallet out of my pocket, took off my shirt, and hopped up on the deck of my sisters pool.
Thank all the gods that existed for pool ladders.
I had to be brave for the kids. The first step was no problem...
The second step was a little more difficult. I've stood in water that went maybe half way up my calfs with no problem, and that was about how deep this was.... but this was considerably deeper.
The third step, however....... was slippery. I don't know if it was fear that kept me from leaping out, or trying to be brave.
I hit the bottom with a small splash, it's only a 4 foot deep pool. But I didn't like it none-the-less.
I stood there for a bit, took a few steps, wanted to vomit, the usual pool things....

Ok, the kids can go underwater, so I should be able to too, right?
It's not that easy. I used to be a fairly good swimmer, but my face hasn't been submerged in water in a very long time. So I did what any new swimmer would do... held my nose, closed my eyes, and bent my knees. Just for a second.
When I came back up, i couldn't get the water off my face fast enough. Even though it didn't, I could feel that water rushing into my nose. It was horrible. But I did it a few more times anyway.
I played with the kids for a bit, making sure my shoulders never went below the water.
Then it was time for something I have nightmares about.... actually breathing underwater.
Grandpa had bought the kids snorkel masks and... err... tube things. So I put them on, and practiced breathing before going under.
Did you know you can hear yourself breathing through on of those? It was very eerie.
I managed two breaths, before needing to come back up.
A few more tried before... I'm exactly not sure what happened, the mask kind of got sucked tighter onto my face. In retrospect, I must have tried breathing through my nose. I'd been face down in the water for maybe 15 seconds, and was VERY self conscious about my breathing.... I was so afraid water was going to go down the tube and drown me.

Within the following hour, I managed to swim across the pool with both snorkel mask, and without (which was rough because I couldn't open my eyes without it). And had gone underwater a bunch of times just for practice.
I can see why people like swimming. And I think that from now on, I won't decline invites to pool parties, nor will I change the subject every time my cousin mentions his hot tub. I think I'll just suck it up and accept the invitations.
I might still freak out, and I'm sure I won't be the funnest person there. But in time, all that might change...

Let me tell you about Denise.
I've known her for a very long time, through a mutual friend. Ok, so maybe we never said more than an occasional "hello," so maybe we were just acquaintances.
I had begun working with her about a year and a half ago. Still nothing more than the occasional "good morning." She was VERY pregnant at the time, about 7 months and as big as a truck. She could rest a glass on her stomach.
After she had the baby, she came back to work... the mutual friend was having a concert at the Double Door theater in Chicago. I asked if she was going, and she admitted that she didn't remember me at all from any of the other shows.
Anyway, we started talking a lot, going to lunch a couple times a week. We went to the concert together, and just had a lot of harmless fun with each other.
Then one day, I get an email from her at work... "do you ever notice me looking at your butt?" or something like that.
Well, I never noticed. And considering I was still miserable from the worst breakup I'd ever been a part of (and no, I'm not talking about Debbie), this made me feel quite elated. All in all Denise helped me quite a lot though those troubled times.
Conversations changed slightly, became more sensual. I'd begun giving her weekly back rubs. Once, I am ashamed to admit, I kissed her on the neck during one of those back rubs. And still, it seemed like nothing had changed at all.
I had begun to notice how pretty she is. Something I'd always known, but I just never paid attention to.

And then I got an email from her after we had gone out for one of our lunches. A long-winded thing explaining to me that she had to intention to leave her husband, or to have an affair.
Now, we'd been hanging out together for a few months by this time. And I'm quite truthful in saying I never expected either of those things (want is a whole different thing). I knew she would never leave him... and more importantly I never would have had an affair. Not because I knew she didn't want to, quite the contrary, I knew she wanted to... maybe more than I did. But I knew what would happen afterwards. She wouldn't have been happy with herself, she wouldn't blame me for it... but we would no longer be able to be friends. Shortly after, she would tell her husband out of guilt, and it would just be a downward spiral from there.
Her telling me this became a common occurrence... and every time she said this, it became obvious that she wanted to a little more. I ended up backing off. There were things I wanted to say and do, but...
Well, I never would have let ourselves go to far, and I'm sure she doesn't trust me 100% on that. If I were a woman, I probably wouldn't believe that either.

There's a hot dog place we would go to every week called Heffy's, in Prospect Heights. If you're ever there, give them a try. An old woman, Marian, is there every time we are there, and she always talks to us. We told her that we're not married several times... but it hasn't sunk in yet.
After Denise left the company, we still met there once a week for dogs... Denise would bring Trevor, that kid that was in her months ago. Marian had told me that I have the cutest wife and son. Basically, Denise and I have taken this and run with it. She tells Marian about all the marital bliss, and I comment how I'm outta there in a few months when I've suckered Denise out of the rest of her money.

Denise has one fault that I've noticed. She's too nice. This causes problems, like when you agree to meet for dogs on a Friday, and she's at the mall beforehand, but someone walks up to her and starts talking. She'll converse with this person for hours... seriously... and she'll be late for the dogs. I would agree that she's just using an excuse to blow me off, but I've witnessed this behavior (one example is Marian).

Although her niceness has angered me on several occasions, even infuriated me, I have always been quick to forgive her. We're too good of friends for me to stay angry with her.

And, one day a few weeks ago, I had a revelation. I had to tell her, but I just couldn't. There was no way I could tell her, it was wrong.
But I needed to.

So, I took a few sleeping pills and wrote an email. I wasn't looking for the perfect words or anything. I just wanted to defend my thoughts. I think it was something of a novella that I wrote, near the end I was half asleep.
I'm sure you've guessed what I told her, but if not, I told her that I love her.
This isn't like any kind of love I've ever felt before. Sure, if she were single, I'd be the first in line(pushing and shoving to get there). But she's not, and so I am content to talk to her occasionally, meet for lunch sometimes, and an occasional summer festival with her family. No, I'm not content... I'm happy.
I know this is a love that, though I believe it is returned, can never be admitted. There will never be a first kiss, or a last kiss for that matter. It just is. Sure, I'd like more... but I'm very happy with this.
In my email to her, I told her I did not expect her to return the words I wrote... or even acknowledge that I sent them to her.
And she hasn't. I know that if she did she would feel guilty about it, and our friendship would fall apart.

I haven't actually seen her since I sent that email... I've spoken with her, we've exchanged emails. But her niceness, and miscommunications have prevented it. She REALLY wanted to see me before she went to the Bahama's (where she is right now), oh well....

So, why do I tell you all this?
As I said, she's in the Bahama's. But last night I saw her.
I was very much asleep. The floor creaked, and I woke up quite groggy. The drapes here do very little to keep any outside light out, so I could see her getting into bed with me. She lay down on her side, facing away from me. When I put my arm around her, she held my hand tightly, pulling me closer to her. I kissed the back of her head, and she stopped pulling. It wasn't long before I fell asleep, but so many times I had wanted to fall asleep like this.
Of course I woke this morning up alone, and scared.
Was it just a dream? Was she projecting a mental image of herself to me? Was it the ghosts of this house giving me what I wished for? Or was this the worst possible scenario... had she died and this was her ghost saying goodbye?
I probably won't know until Tuesday... and that's going to drive me crazy, since I always dwell on the worst possible scenario. Well, not always, but when I don't... the worst happens, and I spend far too long being depressed.

It has begun...
Today was my first day in the new job. I started at 7:30AM and couldn't actually do anything until about 11:15 (which was a meeting), all because my computer couldn't get set up properly. Oh, those wacky IT people.
Being a project administrator, you'd think I'd be... well... administrating projects. But, in reality, it's quite the reverse. Basically, most my day consisted of redesigning 4 order forms, and putting screenshots of webpages into a Powerpoint file. I won't tell you which one I could have done with my eyes closed, but the other one actually involved physically cutting and pasting.
Sure, there were a few other little things I did... but they were minor, and not even worth mentioning.

So, for now, I think I'm going to like this job...

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I'm no sports fan, I'm not even close. Nevertheless, yesterday about 8 of us went to see the Chicago Rush, this is my third time in about as many years.
For anyone who's never heard of Arena Football, it's just like american football, but on a 50 yard field with walls. It's fast paced, high scoring, and actually tolerable to watch. Plus at the post game party at Ram (a microbrewery with good, overpriced, food) one of the cheerleaders said something to me that's just best not repeated in mixed company...
Despite the fact that the Rush had the greatest loss in league history, they still managed to get in the playoffs. It seemed to me that the Orlando Predators were a one trick pony, and the Rush adapated to their style (what I had almost thought was a bit too late).
If they win Saturday they'll be in the Arena Bowl (it's like a baby Super Bowl), and if it's held in Chicago you can be sure I'll be there.
As for the season tickets next year... I don't know if I like it that much.

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This week I'm going back to Michigan to see my sister. I'm going to go in the pool if it kills me.