Sometimes people see things that change their lives.
A few days other day I stared death in the face, and survived.
This gave me much to think about, and it's time I stop writing this blog. I've made many friends and many enemies here, there's been good and bad times here.
Oh, I'll still be writing a blog, just not here. Feel free to ask me for the new one, just don't be disappointed if I don't give it to you.

Thank you for letting me share my life with you.
Farewell. May your god(s) go with you.

I've recently learned that a good friend of mine thinks I'm mad at her.
Ok, maybe she's not such a good friend anymore. Both of our lives pretty much fell apart at around the same time, and we sort of drifted apart. I've recently tried to restart our friendship, but it really seems like she's not interested. She'll talk to me, sure, and occasionally say some nice things. But then it's followed by insults that I really don't need right now while I'm feeling completely mentally frail.

Well, it turns out I am mad at her. I don't know if she expected this information to get to me, but it seems like a stupid game. Now that I know she thinks I'm mad, am I supposed to contact her to tell her I'm not? Is it so difficult to ask me?
I've forgiven her for countless things in the past, could whatever she thinks be any worse than any of that?
I may get angry with people a lot, perhaps more than my fair share... but I usually forgive quickly.
I can count on one hand the number of people I've not forgiven.

One is an old friend, Milan. He was the kind of person that consistantly would say, "yep, I'll definitely be there" and then never show up. One day, about 8 of us were going to go see a movie. We opted not to go until he got off work. Everyone was meeting at my place. And we're waiting and waiting and waiting, 15 minutes before the movie started (about 1/2 hour after Milan should have been there) I called.
"Oh, I just got a new computer and I want to put it together." Hey, thanks for letting us know so we could go to an earlier show.
So, I slammed the phone down and haven't talked to him since (mind you, he did this stuff ALL the time).
Two years later, I got a birthday card from him. I saw this as him apologizing. It went in the trash immediately.
It's funny though, he could have just called, said, "hey, what's up?" and it would have immediately been like old times.
I was Milan's only link to a particularly large group of friends, none of them have spoken with him since. Oh well, his loss.

The other people I haven't forgiven requires a full and conscious effort on my part. I have forgiven them, but I really don't want to. I forgive them because they really did the right thing... I won't let myself forgive them because it was done, in my opinion, VERY badly. Maybe I'll let myself forgive them someday, but I'm sure it's a long way off.

As for this woman that thinks I'm mad at her.... that's between her and I. I held off writing this because I didn't want it to be another turn in some game I'm tired of playing. But I have strong doubts she ever reads this anymore. Maybe some of her friends do, so I'll ask nicely not to mention this post. If she's going to ask me, I'd rather she did it on her own, than because she thought she had to.

So, I had some friends come to visit me and Chicago all the way from Nova Scotia...

I figured if I leave at 1:20, I can be at the airport by 2:00... the flight arrives at 2:45, so I'd have plenty of opportunity to make up for traffic and what-not.
At 12:50, the phone rings. There's not a lot of flights from Halifax to Chicago, so a few layover stops were necesarry, including one in Ottowa.... which, after their plane landed, was evacuated.
So, instead of getting in at 2:45, they’ll be considerably later.
They’re flying from Ottowa to Toronto, then to Chicago... they’re to arrive at 3PM Toronto time, then figure out how they’re getting to Chicago.
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After their plane landed in Toronto, I checked the Web site for their airlines, the next plan to Chicago was delayed 40 minutes, I'd hoped to allow passengers from Ottawa to get on the that plane. No call from them, so maybe they didn't have time to call. I decided to go to the airport, hoping they'd be on the 5:19 flight.
No such luck....
Just as the last passanger from that flight picked up their luggage, I got the call. The next flight out should land in Chicago ay 7:00, good thing I brought a book.
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7:00 comes, I wait by the baggage claim... not a single passenger shows.
I go upstairs. Let me point out that this seems to be the only airlines at O'Hare Airport that does not have any kind of computer. The monitors by the baggage claim area are just holes in the wall, and the arrival/departure board is written in chalk. I didn't see a computer behind the counter either.
So I as a woman behind the counter the status of the 7:00 flight, flight 821. She says flight 821 is on time and will arrive at 8:30.
Now, I'm looking at the chalkboard that says flight 821 arrives at 19:00, so my math might have been off with the 19, but I certainly didn't confuse the ":30."
"Oh," she says, "that's side shows the morning flights."
I didn't realize until after I’d walked away that 19:00 is, in no way, a morning flight. Good thing, the argument probably wouldn’t have gotten them here any faster.
So back downstairs to read my book and watch all the people.
About an hour passes, I’m really into the book, Nobody’s Son by Sean Stewart, I highly recommend it. I brought it because I’ve read it before and I "wouldn’t get too involved with it." I was wrong.
Anyway, about an hour passed, and in the back of my mind I hear, "is this who we’re looking for?" And I don’t pay much attention to it, just some passersby... then I notice 2 pairs of legs standing in front of me.
I look up, look at my watch, look up again, and then say the only thing that crossed my mind, "you’re early."
Somehow the plane was almost half an hour early.

We managed to just sneak in to a restaurant I knew they’d like before it closed. I think can do without vegetarian food ever again. And then it was home for some sleep. I needed it from the stress of wondering if they would even make it in on the planned day, and I’m sure they needed it from stress of having to go through all that.
It’s about 7:30 now, and I hear some skittering around upstairs.
It’s either them, or a very large spider.
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Full Day #1:
It's hard to see Chicago in a day. They (well, she) wanted to see Harpo Studios (where they film Oprah... see, Harpo is Oprah spelled backwards), and I tried to get us inside since they wouldn't give us a tour, but they kept throwing us out. Then we walked to the Sears Tower, but their camera ran out of battery powre so we didn't go up. The just means they need to come back.
Then it was to the Apple Store... being from Nova Scotia they aren't allowed such luxeries. I showed them the water tower (sorry, THE water tower) and got some chicago pizza for lunch.
Navy Pier was all right... made them go on the ferris wheel since we didn't do the Sears Tower, and we took a little cruise/tour of the lake front.
We ended up at the Blue Man Group theater right on schedule, but after the pizza no one wanted to eat as planned, so we wandered around Halsted St, and ended up taking some pictures of the gay storefronts. We all loved the show... it was fabulous. If you haven't seen it, go... go now!
We all tried to get into the place we were going to eat earlier, but it closed at 9:45... who closes at 9:45??
We found another place to go, which closed as we were walking up to it, thankfully I didn't pay for parking, for once.
We tried a few other places to eat... but we ended up at a Denny's. blech. This wasn't so bad, since they'd never eaten at one before... everyone must eat at Denny's once. Interesting note: NOTHING on the Denny's menu comes without meat. So my vegetarian friends ended up eating fries and onion rings.
I'll make it up to them at breakfast today... we're going to the best breakfast place in the continental US.
We didn't get home till almost 1AM, I woke up at 6:00 and can't sleep sleep now.
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Full Day #2:
We got a later start than I wanted to. Our plans went a little bit off. We went to breakfast at the 2nd best place I'd ever been (the first best is far off in another state). Right across the street from it is the local game store, the biggest/best in the state and one of the biggest/best in the country. From there it was off to the Chicago Botanical Gardens... yeah, not my first choice when I'm on vacation for 5 days, but they loved it... until the rain came.
Then it was for Homer's Ice Cream... apparently they've been voted best in the country three years in a row. At least now I know why I like them.
And then there was Medieval Times. They loved it, I didn't think they show was quite as good as it was 10+ years ago when I'd gone. But hey, as long as they were happy, that's all that matters, right? Our knight even one... until the bad guy came out and killed him like a dog.
Then it was just relaxing at him for an hour before getting some sleep for the next big day.
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Full Day #3:
The renaissance faire. I love these things... and they did too. We only managed to see 1/2 of a show. We walked around the place once, so they could take everything in, and then... well, we never made it very far again, too much shopping and eating to do.
They'd decided that on the following day, we should ignore the things I had planned, and go back to the faire. I'm game with that since I'll be able to show off my new renny clothes, and maybe convince them to buy some as well.
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Full Day #4:
The ren faire again. Even more fun than the first day, which is hard to believe. Only saw two shows, which gives me more of a reason to go back. Did a lot of shopping, eating, and talking with shopkeepers and a few rennies. I ended up spending FAR more money than I wanted to... had to dip into the new house funds, but it was worth it.
They even ended up buying some ren faire outfits, some jewelry, and some things to put on their heads. I just realized that there's no pictures of the three of us together, and I guess that's not such a bad thing, because I can't remember how to get pictures on this blog (and with my own server not working, I can't even link a picture to that).
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Day #5:
Had to get them to the airport by 9:15... 9:30 was close enough. The only nice thing about them leaving is that I get to sleep in my own bed again. I am SO looking forward to tonight.

The plan is that next year, I go up there and see what Nova Scotia has to offer.......

You know how there's some women out there who are with a guy who beats the crap out of them, and they still stay with him? You know how everyone thinks that those women aren't that bright because they should just get out of that relationship?
I think I understand what they're going through. No, nobody's beat the crap out of me... not physically anyway.
I find it absolutely amazing that someone's only attitude towards me is to hurt me. And it works so well.
Yet, I go back for more. She is someone I can't even imagine being without, even though I have been time and time again, and it's like being in eternal Hell.
I wonder if she makes me feel like nothing because it makes her feel like something, or if she's just that way to everyone.... either way, it's got to stop.

I know now that we can't even be mere aquaintences anymore. Why would I even want to with someone who has no comprehension of others feelings, or desire to tell the truth?

So it ends. I will use all my will. I will burn my soul through the damnation she wants of me. She'll be happy, and I'll be.... something, I don't know what. It will surely be one of the most difficult things I will need to get through. Maybe I'll come out stronger, maybe I won't... who knows.


So then, why do I have this going through my head:

And life is grand
And I will say this at the risk of falling from favor
With those of you
Who have appointed yourselves to expect us to say something darker

And love is real
And though I realize this is not a deep observation
To those of you
Who find it necessary to conceal love or obscure it as is the fashion.
-Camper Van Beethoven, Life is Grand


It could be because, maybe, I've found someone to occupy my time with. We've had an interesting, and restricted, relationship for a few months. It's hard to describe, so I won't. But we get along pretty good, make each other laugh when it's needed, and stuff like that.
The interesting thing is, and I knew this was coming, when I realized that there might be something more going on than I thought, she said, "well, I'm off to Florida."
How fair is that?
At least it's just a vacation with her family. But when she comes back, I'll be on a little vacation of my own.
It's horrible, not knowing what she meant by some of the things... and did I mean what I replied with?
It'll be almost 2 more weeks before I know for sure.
argh

Oy, what a week....
Actually went to the doctor after work, I felt that bad today. I really think doctors are mostly pointless. I never seem to go to one that can just say, "here's what's wrong..." Nope, he told me just what Weezoh did, "could be sun poisoning."
Stay out of the sun, blah blah, drink fluids, blah blah, take Tylenol, blah blah, come back if it gets worse. So, pretty much my normal routine, thanks doc.
What a I supposed to drink other than fluids???

To make things worse I come home and am attacked by a horde of wasps. There's a nest right by the front door. At least I only got stung once right below my left ear.
So, even though I wanted to just go to sleep, I went out and bought some wasp killer, and smited them good. I figured I'd better not let them attack my mother when she gets home.

My sister spent the night in the hospital. She lost all ability to use her muscles. The doctor "thinks" it's a reaction to her medication, which she's been taking for over a year. This does not reaffirm my faith in doctors. My brother-in-law had to drive 6 hours to the hospital, since he was here on business.
She's home now, and plans on going to work tomorrow. I wish her the best.

Wow... should getting sunburned make you feel sick? I haven't been sunburned in, probably, 10 years.
I got burned pretty badly on Sunday, and I've been feeling worse by the hour ever since. It kind of feels like a flu.
Maybe I actually have the flu or something, and mixing that with sunburn is really no fun at all.

As I said in my last entry (was it actually my last? I forget) I was going swimming this weekend.
This is something I hadn't done in.... at least 23 years, maybe.

I was quite relieved, however, when it was cold and rainy up in Michigan. Wednesday, through Saturday I avoided it.
But then, about 4:00 on Saturday the sun came out and the rain stopped and I said, "oh, we're going to a nice dinner in 3 hours, I can't smell like chlorine!"
And then I thought of someone very important to me, and I said, "dammit, I'm going!"
Both my nephews and my niece were in there all ready, so I took my wallet out of my pocket, took off my shirt, and hopped up on the deck of my sisters pool.
Thank all the gods that existed for pool ladders.
I had to be brave for the kids. The first step was no problem...
The second step was a little more difficult. I've stood in water that went maybe half way up my calfs with no problem, and that was about how deep this was.... but this was considerably deeper.
The third step, however....... was slippery. I don't know if it was fear that kept me from leaping out, or trying to be brave.
I hit the bottom with a small splash, it's only a 4 foot deep pool. But I didn't like it none-the-less.
I stood there for a bit, took a few steps, wanted to vomit, the usual pool things....

Ok, the kids can go underwater, so I should be able to too, right?
It's not that easy. I used to be a fairly good swimmer, but my face hasn't been submerged in water in a very long time. So I did what any new swimmer would do... held my nose, closed my eyes, and bent my knees. Just for a second.
When I came back up, i couldn't get the water off my face fast enough. Even though it didn't, I could feel that water rushing into my nose. It was horrible. But I did it a few more times anyway.
I played with the kids for a bit, making sure my shoulders never went below the water.
Then it was time for something I have nightmares about.... actually breathing underwater.
Grandpa had bought the kids snorkel masks and... err... tube things. So I put them on, and practiced breathing before going under.
Did you know you can hear yourself breathing through on of those? It was very eerie.
I managed two breaths, before needing to come back up.
A few more tried before... I'm exactly not sure what happened, the mask kind of got sucked tighter onto my face. In retrospect, I must have tried breathing through my nose. I'd been face down in the water for maybe 15 seconds, and was VERY self conscious about my breathing.... I was so afraid water was going to go down the tube and drown me.

Within the following hour, I managed to swim across the pool with both snorkel mask, and without (which was rough because I couldn't open my eyes without it). And had gone underwater a bunch of times just for practice.
I can see why people like swimming. And I think that from now on, I won't decline invites to pool parties, nor will I change the subject every time my cousin mentions his hot tub. I think I'll just suck it up and accept the invitations.
I might still freak out, and I'm sure I won't be the funnest person there. But in time, all that might change...

Let me tell you about Denise.
I've known her for a very long time, through a mutual friend. Ok, so maybe we never said more than an occasional "hello," so maybe we were just acquaintances.
I had begun working with her about a year and a half ago. Still nothing more than the occasional "good morning." She was VERY pregnant at the time, about 7 months and as big as a truck. She could rest a glass on her stomach.
After she had the baby, she came back to work... the mutual friend was having a concert at the Double Door theater in Chicago. I asked if she was going, and she admitted that she didn't remember me at all from any of the other shows.
Anyway, we started talking a lot, going to lunch a couple times a week. We went to the concert together, and just had a lot of harmless fun with each other.
Then one day, I get an email from her at work... "do you ever notice me looking at your butt?" or something like that.
Well, I never noticed. And considering I was still miserable from the worst breakup I'd ever been a part of (and no, I'm not talking about Debbie), this made me feel quite elated. All in all Denise helped me quite a lot though those troubled times.
Conversations changed slightly, became more sensual. I'd begun giving her weekly back rubs. Once, I am ashamed to admit, I kissed her on the neck during one of those back rubs. And still, it seemed like nothing had changed at all.
I had begun to notice how pretty she is. Something I'd always known, but I just never paid attention to.

And then I got an email from her after we had gone out for one of our lunches. A long-winded thing explaining to me that she had to intention to leave her husband, or to have an affair.
Now, we'd been hanging out together for a few months by this time. And I'm quite truthful in saying I never expected either of those things (want is a whole different thing). I knew she would never leave him... and more importantly I never would have had an affair. Not because I knew she didn't want to, quite the contrary, I knew she wanted to... maybe more than I did. But I knew what would happen afterwards. She wouldn't have been happy with herself, she wouldn't blame me for it... but we would no longer be able to be friends. Shortly after, she would tell her husband out of guilt, and it would just be a downward spiral from there.
Her telling me this became a common occurrence... and every time she said this, it became obvious that she wanted to a little more. I ended up backing off. There were things I wanted to say and do, but...
Well, I never would have let ourselves go to far, and I'm sure she doesn't trust me 100% on that. If I were a woman, I probably wouldn't believe that either.

There's a hot dog place we would go to every week called Heffy's, in Prospect Heights. If you're ever there, give them a try. An old woman, Marian, is there every time we are there, and she always talks to us. We told her that we're not married several times... but it hasn't sunk in yet.
After Denise left the company, we still met there once a week for dogs... Denise would bring Trevor, that kid that was in her months ago. Marian had told me that I have the cutest wife and son. Basically, Denise and I have taken this and run with it. She tells Marian about all the marital bliss, and I comment how I'm outta there in a few months when I've suckered Denise out of the rest of her money.

Denise has one fault that I've noticed. She's too nice. This causes problems, like when you agree to meet for dogs on a Friday, and she's at the mall beforehand, but someone walks up to her and starts talking. She'll converse with this person for hours... seriously... and she'll be late for the dogs. I would agree that she's just using an excuse to blow me off, but I've witnessed this behavior (one example is Marian).

Although her niceness has angered me on several occasions, even infuriated me, I have always been quick to forgive her. We're too good of friends for me to stay angry with her.

And, one day a few weeks ago, I had a revelation. I had to tell her, but I just couldn't. There was no way I could tell her, it was wrong.
But I needed to.

So, I took a few sleeping pills and wrote an email. I wasn't looking for the perfect words or anything. I just wanted to defend my thoughts. I think it was something of a novella that I wrote, near the end I was half asleep.
I'm sure you've guessed what I told her, but if not, I told her that I love her.
This isn't like any kind of love I've ever felt before. Sure, if she were single, I'd be the first in line(pushing and shoving to get there). But she's not, and so I am content to talk to her occasionally, meet for lunch sometimes, and an occasional summer festival with her family. No, I'm not content... I'm happy.
I know this is a love that, though I believe it is returned, can never be admitted. There will never be a first kiss, or a last kiss for that matter. It just is. Sure, I'd like more... but I'm very happy with this.
In my email to her, I told her I did not expect her to return the words I wrote... or even acknowledge that I sent them to her.
And she hasn't. I know that if she did she would feel guilty about it, and our friendship would fall apart.

I haven't actually seen her since I sent that email... I've spoken with her, we've exchanged emails. But her niceness, and miscommunications have prevented it. She REALLY wanted to see me before she went to the Bahama's (where she is right now), oh well....

So, why do I tell you all this?
As I said, she's in the Bahama's. But last night I saw her.
I was very much asleep. The floor creaked, and I woke up quite groggy. The drapes here do very little to keep any outside light out, so I could see her getting into bed with me. She lay down on her side, facing away from me. When I put my arm around her, she held my hand tightly, pulling me closer to her. I kissed the back of her head, and she stopped pulling. It wasn't long before I fell asleep, but so many times I had wanted to fall asleep like this.
Of course I woke this morning up alone, and scared.
Was it just a dream? Was she projecting a mental image of herself to me? Was it the ghosts of this house giving me what I wished for? Or was this the worst possible scenario... had she died and this was her ghost saying goodbye?
I probably won't know until Tuesday... and that's going to drive me crazy, since I always dwell on the worst possible scenario. Well, not always, but when I don't... the worst happens, and I spend far too long being depressed.