nosuch.org

Dear Human Resource Departments:

It is a fine notion to try and find ways to thank and recognize your employees. Being appreciated at work is rewarding and motivating, and doesn’t have to cost much.

For example, giving a small gift to acknowledge five years of service is a nice gesture. Ideally, here’s how it should work:

• Once a month, run a report that shows any five year anniversaries coming up in the next 30 days.
• Order the required number of gifts in advance of those anniversaries
• On the day of the anniversary, have someone hand deliver the gift to the employee, and say a brief thanks.

That shouldn’t be too hard to do. It actually sounds like possibly one of the nicer aspects of being in Human Resources.

Here’s how it shouldn’t work:

• Don’t do anything to keep track of when anniversaries are coming.
• Wait for the employees to ask for their service reward, often long after the date has passed.
• Order the gift after they ask about it, and tell them they will have to wait a few weeks.
• Forget to order the gift.
• Wait for the employee to ask again after a month.
• Maybe order the gift the now, maybe not.
• When the gift comes in, don’t do anything.
• Wait for the employee to ask again after another month.
• Ignore the employee’s email inquiry for a few days
• Wait for the employee to ask yet again.
• Let them know the gift arrived a few weeks ago, and they can come down and pick it up.
• Upon further comment from the employee, offer to send the gift via interoffice mail.

Because nothing completely undermines a “thank you” like having to badger someone for 10 weeks for a $10 pen.^*

Since, let’s be frank, no one really gives a shit about a $10 pen, if you can’t be bothered to give it like a gift instead of handling it like an incompetent disbursement of a rarified office supply, you shouldn’t bother. Instead, just have people come down to H.R. for a slap whenever they feel like a “service reward”. Doesn’t even have to be on their anniversary.

^* Please note that this is a generic, hypothetical case. No actual companies were named or harmed in the production of this post. Any resemblance to actual companies, which I may or may not work for, is entirely coincidental, but well deserved.