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The truth revealed

March 6th, 2003 · No Comments · Uncategorized

In tonight’s press conference, George W. Bush tried to press his case against Saddam Hussein. He didn’t quite come out and say it just yet, but he it’s clear to me what the President is getting at. Probably based on Top Secret intelligence which can’t be made public lest we compromise those sources, the President has in possession incontrovertible proof. Saddam Hussein is, without a doubt, the Boogeyman.

I’m sure, in time, when the evidence can be shown, it will be a turning point for America and the rest of the world. At last, the monster responsible for terrorizing generations of children will be dealt with. It is times like this I am proud to call myself an American.

And speaking of courses, I managed to get my hands on a draft copy of the President’s next address about Saddam Hussein, which here in a Nosuch exclusive, I will share a key excerpt with you:

Saddam Hussein will re-write your hard drive. He will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. He will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. He will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace-field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

He will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. He will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. He will drink all your beer and leave his socks out on the coffee table when there’s company coming over. He will put a dead fish in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Saddam Hussein will make you fall in love with a penguin. He will give you nightmares about circus midgets. He will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.

He will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Saddam Hussein: he reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

He moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can’t find it. He will kick your dog. He will leave libidinous messages on your boss’s voice mail in your voice! He is insidious and subtle. He is dangerous and terrifying to behold. He is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Saddam Hussein will give you Dutch Elm disease. He will leave the toilet seat up. He will make a batch of methanphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while he goes out to chase grade schoolers with your new snowblower.

You know it’s got true, because we’ve heard all about this menace before, even though it wasn’t clear who was responsible.

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