Mistakes were made

New York City meets Munich

Majority Distort

July 8th, 2002 · No Comments · Uncategorized

The official Nosuch terse review of Minority Report: Empty eye candy filled with glaring plot problems that grows more ridiculous and pointless with each bloated minute.

I don’t care to elaborate on the film, but I’m surprised at the reviews this piece of drek has received from people who should know better:

“A film that can get you high on the sheer magic and exhilaration of making movies” — Michael Wilmington, Chicago Tribune

I think Michael was high when he wrote this. Why would any film get you high about making movies? Especially this one? I was amazed I could stay awake.

“There’s something auspicious, and daring, too, about the artistic instinct that pushes a majority-oriented director like Steven Spielberg to follow A.I. with this challenging report so liable to unnerve the majority” — Lisa Schwarzbaum, Entertainment Weekly

The movie was about as challenging as any episode of Star Trek which involved time travel, which is to say most of them. How daring is it to shove Tom Cruise in a very mediocre attempt at science fiction?

“A masterful work infused with beautiful and haunting visuals, outstanding performances from Tom Cruise and a gifted supporting cast — and a story that challenges the mind and engages the spirit — Richard Roeper, Ebert & Roeper

Tom Cruise is slightly more emotive than Arnold Schwarzenegger in the first Terminator, and at least then I knew Arnold was supposed to be a robot. Tom Cruise playing yet another “driven man” character, what a stretch for him!

“Breathtaking and disturbing”– Andrew O’Hehir,

At least Andrew got that half right.

“The film is magnificently creepy, a calculated bad dream that stays with you like the best of Roger Corman.” — Elvis Mitchell, New York Times

This film might have been enjoyable if Roger Corman did it. At least then it wouldn’t have taken itself seriously. If I were Roger Corman, I’d be pretty offended at this comparison. Where’s Janet Maslin when you need her? I thought I could trust the Times.

“The film’s success is in line with what American films historically have done best, which is to excitingly tell a strong story with high style and just enough substance.” — Todd McCarthy, Variety

Except the story isn’t strong, there’s no excitement, the dystopian future-style has been done better in dozens of other films, and there’s no substance. But other than that…

All this endless ass kissing for what is a very, very mediocre film leads me to believe that either Scientology is forking over gobs of cash to reviewers or Steven Spielberg is personally giving out blow jobs to the film press. Either thought isn’t pretty.

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