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New York City meets Munich

December 29th, 2001 · No Comments · Uncategorized

How to get arrested in Munich

(WARNING: There may be some very, very minor Fellowship of the Ring spoilers contained herein. You are duly warned.)

When the screen first faded to black, I think it’s finally the damn intermission. I was told by someone who had seen the film in the same cinema that they had an intermission. So mentally, at a certain point, I am expecting a break. So far, there had been no break, so I figure this must be the break. About time, because my ass is starting to hurt. And then I see it on the screen:

DIRECTED BY PETER JACKSON


The credits are starting to roll. The house lights begin to come up. This is definitely not the intermission. The movie is actually over.

“Hey!” I shout loudly, startling the people around me. “Where’s the rest of the frickin’ movie?!”

People funnel out of the theater, the ones closest to me moving a bit faster than the rest.

“What the fuck is this?” I holler. “Where the hell is the end of the movie?”

I look around for >Conny, but she’s funneling out of the theatre with the fast moving people. She’s not looking back. Doesn’t she realize that we just got ripped off?

“I paid to see a whole movie!” I shout, shaking my fist at the credits. “What is this horseshit?”

Some usher guy is coming down the aisle in my direction. I stand on the seat. I’m pissed. “Where’s the next reel? This film isn’t over!”

“Sir,” says the nervous usher guy, “you’ll have to go.”

“Go? I’m not going anywhere. I paid to see a movie, and I’m going to see a movie. The whole movie. Those morons in the movie didn’t even get within the same zip code as Mount Doom, never mind tossing the stupid ring in.”

The usher is trying to grab me, but I keep side stepping down a seat.

“The movie is over, sir. It’s just the first part of a trilogy. Now, please, you have to leave the theatre.”

“And I thought Empire Strikes Back was the end-all for a cheap lead-in for another flick. At least that piece of crap had an ending.”

I have to step over into the forward row to get away from this clown. He’s not listening to me, that’s for sure. But now I see he’s somehow signaled for help. I have two new ushers trying to converge on my position. Luckily for me, I can walk on the little arms of the chairs.

“If you want me out of here, ” I say, “I want half of my money back, because I only got to see half the damn movie.”

These weasels are talking in German now, but I’m still too nimble for them. I score the remains of bag of sugared popcorn, and I use the contents to pelt the guy getting too close. It confuses him for a moment, allowing me to slip by him. Now one of the ushers is trying to follow me by walking on top of the seats too.

“Fair is fair, you sons of bitches! Half a movie should be half price! I don’t care if it’s three frickin’ hours long. They didn’t even beat the bad guy! All they did is hack and slash at some big dripping blue thing with dreadlocks that got introduced in the last thirty minutes! That’s a complete rip off!”

Damn, these guys are getting faster. I throw my empty popcorn bag at the usher as he lunges for me, but its too late. He’s got me.

“I’m not going quietly, you bastards! I’ve been tricked! Where’s the resolution? Where’s the denouement? Where’s the nine-act structure, damn it?”

They toss me out the door. I don’t get my refund. I’m not happy. Neither is a rather grumpy Conny View definition in a new window waiting outside. Must be a cultural difference or something.

* * *


One of the gifts that I got for Christmas, which now will come in very handy, is asbestos underwear. Now that I’ve put them on. I’ll offer my patented Nosuch succinct movie review for Fellowship of the Ring: A bit long… FOR HALF A MOVIE.

Is it amazing film making? Yes. Absolutely. Beautiful to behold, amazingly executed, a new high-water mark in technical film making. Puts George Lucas to shame. It is never dull.

Is it an amazing film? No. It is clearly limited by the source material, which, frankly, isn’t much of a story out of the context of the trilogy. Which means Lord of the Rings is really not a trilogy, just a honkin’ big book divided up into three parts for easier carrying. The “trilogy” may be a great story, but it’s parts, at least the first one, is just that: A part. And on it’s own, it’s just a long unfinished chase scene.

The movie is good if you can get into three hours of gorgeous, exciting Dungeons and Dragons porn. If you are looking for a story, wait until the next two sequels come out, and buy the collector’s DVD set, and watch them all at once. I bet that will rock, with the exception of losing an entire day and having a really numb ass.

I will personally hunt down Peter Jackson and kill him if he starts a trend towards 9 hour movies broken up into “parts”. Especially if the parts don’t have endings.

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