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Mistakes were made

New York City meets Munich

August 26th, 2001 · No Comments · Uncategorized

The Other

It’s been exactly a week since >Conny returned to Munich. One week that I’ve been coming home to an empty apartment. One week that I’ve been free to use my spare time any way I wish.

With all this time on my hands, I could be writing more, finishing up overdue web projects, and throwing myself at all those incomplete software development tasks which have languished on my ever growing to-do list forever. Or I could just battle the entropy which encroaches deeper and deeper into my apartment, by tackling the unpaid bills, pushing back at the piles of laundry, assaulting the dust and crud which have gone unchecked too long.

There is plenty do be done. A lot of it is things I would like to do, and the rest are things I’d love to have done. And I’m not so busy at work that I have no time left over. Yet progress is glacial.

When Conny View definition in a new window is here, I have a great excuse. Between spending precious and limited time with each other, our social schedule is busier. I’m lucky when I can carve out a couple of hours here and there to spending working on one of my projects. It’s an effort to make the time. Probably the only reason I succeed in making any time at all for creative work is because of Conny. She’s interested in what I do, understands why I want to do, and most importantly, she gives me the kick in ass I need.

The thing that truly motivates me is other people. It’s the reason I can do this site. I’ve had traditional writing journals before, but I would never stick to them. But given a chance for an audience and suddenly I am able to maintain a semblance of discipline, and I’ve done it for almost a year now. I like to please and entertain people, neurotic as that may be. As I get older, I learn how to channel that desire in constructive, healthy ways. I learn to stop beating myself up for being the type of person I am, as unproductive as that person is at times. I also learn to be a bit more selective about who I really care about pleasing.

All this pleasing stuff makes me a pretty decent and highly motivated submissive, at least. But it also means that I am a man who needs the Other. When Conny left, I thought for sure I’d suddenly get all these things done. After all, why would it make a difference if she was in the apartment or not, since the work I’m doing is solitary creative work. If anything, it should be easier for me, without her charming distractions.

But I feel a huge difference. without her holding me accountable for the time I spend, I drift. I need her to witness me, to focus me. And she does these things not so much by effort on her part, but by her presence. When she is with me, I value my time because it is our time. Remove her from the picture, and it’s only my time, and I apparently don’t value that much. I need that sense of Other.

Left on my own, I squander my time in pleasant diversions and empty recreations. Clan Lord is great for that. It’s a community where I can entertain and perform. When I’m feeling creative, I can help out with Nox Sorora stuff, and do the role-play thing. If I’m feeling less serious, I can just do the silly Rat Bastard thing and have a good time. There’s always an excuse to play Clan Lord. Conny is often there too, so how can I resist?

When Conny is here, we occasionally play Clan Lord together. Probably just the right amount. But, I also spend time doing web work, or writing, more than I do when I’m alone. Though I’m trying hard to change that. Because even if Conny can’t be here with me, I try to internalize that sense of Other, to keep me focused and on track. Because creative ideas are one thing, but they are only dreams if I don’t make them happen.

Now I have to run and get some laundry done.

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