Mistakes were made

New York City meets Munich

January 31st, 2001 · No Comments · Uncategorized

Being a top makes me a better bottom. Being a bottom makes me a better top. Nothing quite like being a switch. Especially when your partner switches as well.

Being a top is more difficult, that’s for sure. At first blush, you might think the person taking the dominant role is in charge, but actually, it’s quite the opposite. The submissive person is really in charge. They determine the playing field, and they keep score. The dominant really only gets to call the plays and see what happens. And what can be hard for a beginning dominant is it’s not obvious what the field is, nor how the game is scored. You stand there, looking at your submissive partner, and it’s hard not to be overwhelmed with the thought of “What now?”

Obviously, much communication and negotiation take place before playing a scene. But translating that into actual play can be hard. There’s a lot of technique in SM View definition in a new window, and it’s got to be learned. Even just tying someone up is not as obvious as you think. Much like a pool player lining up the next shot, just restraining someone securely but safely doesn’t do you any good unless you know what you’re going to do with them once they can’t move. That shibari harness might look great on her, but as the scene heats up and you want access to more intimate areas that crotch rope which she found so stimulating earlier is suddenly in the way. A little planning can go a long way.

But you have to be flexible too. Just because I’m in a rush to try out a new toy, I shouldn’t neglect to notice that she’s really enjoying the warm up play an awful lot. Why not linger on it? It may turn out that the new toy is a dud anyway. You also have to keen to very subtle clues about the state of your submissive. If I’m paddling her, it’s going to take her out of the right head if I keep asking her “Is that too hard? Too soft?” So, I have to start soft and warm up, and watch closely. The breathing, her posture, any sounds she makes, all of them give me clues to what she’s feeling. If I get lost inside my own feelings, I may not notice that she’s tensing up a lot, a sign that things are getting too intense for her.

Indeed, it’s a dance. SM is a careful balance, an exchange of power, intensity and intimacy.

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